Being socially anxious may be a good thing.

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Anxious woman

Social Anxiety
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Being socially anxious may be a good thing.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Recently, many of the people I’ve been talking to report that they are suffering from social anxiety. They become so anxious that they are afraid to leave their house or be around others. Some of this may be a residual effect from what we were calling the Covid pandemic. But I think it goes deeper and has been around a lot longer than just our experience with the Covid virus.

Western culture emphasizes rugged individualism.

During my lifetime, there has been a lot of discussion about the value of being an individual, charting your own course, and being your own man or woman. There are certainly some advantages to individuality. I don’t think living in a world where all the songs sounded the same would be very enjoyable. Sometimes, it’s worthwhile to follow your own path and do your own thing, but I think there’s also something to be said in praise of the value of a certain level of conformity.

Social anxiety may well have started out as an evolutionary advantage.

Think about living in a preindustrial society with no modern weapons or houses. One person going out into the forest or jungle alone, even if they had a sharp stick, was at risk of being killed and eaten by a mountain lion or a tiger or bear. But a group of 10 men, all with spears, can fight off that predator. When you go hunting in a group, it’s better if they all like you. If you’re the one being attacked by the mountain lion, you don’t want the other saying, “I’m not going to risk my life for him!”

All societies have rules.

I hear many people saying that they shouldn’t have to follow certain rules, but I think they’re not conscious of how often they actually follow them and how offended they would be if others didn’t. Parents who are separated will tell me that the problem with their children is that when they visit their other parent, there are no rules. I find that hard to believe. The rules may be different in different places, but I think most people, children included, can learn that there are different rules in different settings.

Most people are pretty good about going in the bathroom to do their business. You don’t see people defecating and urinating next to their table at the restaurant. I think we all would agree that in most places, people don’t walk into stores without wearing clothing. The point here is that we all seem to, at some level, think certain rules should be understood without having to be posted and reiterated.

I get that many of these rules were learned early in childhood, but that’s what parents, the extended family, and your village or society are all for.

The need for social conformity is less than it was.

When you live in very small groups with other people, you have to follow the rules or risk their wrath. In this modern society, more and more people live alone, as childless couples, or with relatively few people in their homes. Aside from a few legal exceptions, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. But as soon as you leave that house, it’s a good idea not to offend too many people. Particularly the people who are called law enforcement.

So, how do you keep social anxiety in its proper place?

People need to develop social intelligence. Performers and politicians might refer to this as “reading the room.” Remember, there are certain fundamental rules; people won’t like you if you don’t follow them. An essential part of this skill is a characteristic we call emotional intelligence. If you spend some time learning and appreciating the variety of emotions people might be having, you’re more likely to interact with them in a positive way and less likely to provoke a conflict.

What’s the problem with social anxiety?

People with social anxiety go too far down the road of trying to please everyone rather than realizing what they need to do or the need to follow social conventions. You’re off base if you constantly worry about what others think of you and how they judge you. But you should ask yourself if you are doing the right or acceptable thing. Beyond that, whether other people like you or don’t like you, whether they think you’re wearing the correct brand of clothing or not, is probably none of your business.

Being different isn’t always safe.

Sometimes, being different sets you apart. Entertainers, celebrities, and influencers all want to be different and unique. But being too different can make other people anxious, and people who are high in anxiety or provoked can do some pretty dangerous things. While our society encourages people to be individuals, each one of those individuals should recognize that not everyone will like your brand of individuality. Social anxiety warns us that sometimes going against the crowd has its price.

How about you? Do you think of yourself as an individual? Are you highly in social anxiety and constantly worrying about what other people think about you? How do you balance your needs with the need to not provoke others? Let me know what you think about social anxiety’s disadvantages and benefits.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Obsessed

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Obsessed
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Obsessed

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

― Franz Kafka

“When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love.”

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“We can’t win against obsession. They care, we don’t. They win.”

― Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

“You become what you think about all day long.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. I’ve also included some words related to strengths and values since the line between what we think and what we feel may vary from person to person. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings, strengths, and values.

Emotions and Feelings.                      Inspiration

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, Please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Do I have a personal mission statement?

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My personal mission statement.
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Do I have a personal mission statement?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

My personal mission statement.

I recently wrote a post for this blog about creating a personal mission statement. (Creating the life you want.) I offered several suggestions on how to go about defining the mission of your life, the essential thing or things that gives your life meaning and purpose, and how to write a personal mission statement. This raises the question of whether I have done this process and what my personal mission statement is.

Maybe explaining my own personal mission statement will help you in crafting yours.

Let me tell you about my personal mission statement and how I came about writing it. I wrote a personal mission statement several years ago after having taken a class on creativity and how to apply that creativity to writing. I followed the instructor’s suggestions for creating a personal mission statement. I have no doubt that the instructor was primarily thinking about a mission statement for my writing activities. However, I had taken the viacharacter.org character strengths and virtues test shortly before, which influenced my thinking.

A mission statement should be the “why” of what you are doing.

I especially like Simon Sinek’s book Start with Why. While the book is mainly about businesses and what makes them successful, the principal has a broader application. People who know why they are doing something are much more likely to be successful and happy with their lives. Planning a course of action based on what you will be doing, rather than why you’re doing it, may take you in the totally wrong direction.

For example, many people start with, “I’m going to make my life happier by making a lot of money.” Then, they set out on whatever path they think will make the most money. I see many of those people end up in jobs or careers that make them miserable, but they continue to try to convince themselves they must do it that way because, in their minds, they will be happier if they make more money. The connection between money and happiness is much more complicated than just more money equals more happiness. I’ll write more this year about happiness, what this strange creature looks like, and how to achieve it.

I seem to be chronically busy. But why?

In working on a mission statement, I had to think less about what I wanted to do and more about why I was doing it. Some parts of my life didn’t fit together coherently. I’m one of those people who has spiraled through various careers. My most recent career, and one I’m still working at, is being a counselor, therapist, and coach. Clearly, one of my joys in life is trying to be of service and help others. But that didn’t fit clearly with the other parts of my life.

I also spend a lot of time reading, and I read very widely. Some of its technical counseling-related publications, and I read a large amount of research. But I also read a lot of novels. It’s hard to spend a lot of time talking to people, which is what a counselor does, and still get a lot of reading done.

The other thing that brings me a lot of joy is writing. I find it hard to spend time writing, and I often procrastinate. But once I get started putting the words on the page, it brings me a great deal of joy. So, taking all of these various aspects, the things that I was struggling to find time to fit into my schedule, and making them into a single coherent “how do they fit into my life’s mission” was a challenge.

I started by incorporating my core strengths into my mission statement.

My top core strengths, listed in order, are as follows: 1. Love of learning 2. Creativity 3. Curiosity 4. Humor 5. forgiveness, and 6. Zest. There are, of course, 24 character strengths overall, but I thought if I could incorporate at least those top 6 into my mission statement, it might provide a blueprint for organizing the rest of my life.

My mission statement needed to include what I would do and why.

Love of learning and curiosity go well together. My whole life, I’ve been incredibly curious, which has led to me learning a little bit, often more than just a little, about a wide variety of subjects. Clearly, this fits well with all the books I read and the fact that I’ve been going to school, either as a student or a teacher, for over 70 years now. But that didn’t exactly address the why.

Creativity certainly fits with writing a blog, writing books, and creating YouTube videos, all of which are certainly activities I enjoy. Still, there needed to be a deeper meaning and purpose for all this frantic activity.

The frantic minutes of my life certainly are addressed by core strength number 6. I’ve always had a lot of zest for living. Most of my life, I couldn’t wait to get out of bed in the morning and get to doing all the things I wanted to do that day. I’ve learned that my to-do list needs to be things I “want to do,” not things I “have to do.” I’m much happier when I can do as many of the “want to do’s” as possible each day.

How did I incorporate forgiveness into my mission statement?

It dawned on me that I started my counseling career working with people with substance use disorders, criminal justice populations, and people with serious mental illnesses. One of my firm beliefs as a therapist is that people can change. So, no matter what they’ve done in the past, I tried to see the potential that if they learn more, they can change their thinking, feeling, and behaving and create a positive well-functioning life.

What was the end result of my personal mission statement?

My mission in life is to learn, create, and share with joy, enthusiasm, and love.

That statement pretty well sums up the direction my life is headed these days. I hope you enjoy reading some of the things I’m writing or watching some of the videos I’m making and that, in the process, you might create that positive, flourishing, happy, and contented life you deserve.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For my videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Noble

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Noble
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Noble

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

― Ernest Hemingway

“People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.”

― Lemony Snicket, The Grim Grotto

“I have possessed that heart, that noble soul, in whose presence I seemed to be more than I really was, because I was all that I could be.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. I’ve also included some words related to strengths and values since the line between what we think and what we feel may vary from person to person. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings, strengths, and values.

Emotions and Feelings.                      Inspiration

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, Please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Ordeal therapy – experiences can change you

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Can drugs cure your depression in a single dose?
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Ordeal therapy – experiences can change you.

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Can drugs cure your depression in a single dose?

People have been asking me recently what I think of using psilocybin, Ketamine, and other psychoactive drugs as a treatment for anxiety and depression. I have seen some remarkable results. On the other hand, my years working in substance abuse counseling tell me that the magic pill, which is supposed to cure all your ills, often takes you to some nasty places.

Most people who develop alcoholism or an addiction begin by thinking that those substances could help them cope with the challenges of living. What started as the solution to their problems eventually morphed into yet another source of problems.

So why is it that sometimes taking a psychoactive drug can have a profound effect on someone, and other times it leads them deeper into the tangle of problems they began with while trying to cure their problems in the first place?

This may be a special case of ordeal therapy.

While the literature on ordeal therapy is not always easy to find, it goes back a very long way. There are plenty of examples of people who undertake a quest or journey that changes their perspective and life forever. I suppose this is the origin of the hero’s journey.

Sometimes, it’s as simple as setting yourself a task and proving to yourself that you can do it. Now, this doesn’t work for everyone, but when it does work, it’s remarkable. I remember reading several accounts of people who took off a summer and hiked the Appalachian Trail or the John Muir Trail here in California. That experience of living by yourself, struggling along the trail, careful of every morsel of food and water, can result in a radically new perspective on life.

When you get away from all the gadgets and the technology and life is stripped down to its barest essentials, most of the things we worry about and pursue every day have much less meaning.

Another example of ordeal therapy is those people who build a boat and then sail across the ocean to Hawaii or some other unusual destination. Setting yourself a challenge and proving to yourself that you can do this can be a very growth-promoting experience. Talk to someone who has trained diligently to run a marathon or compete in a bicycle race. Even if they finish far from the front, the sense of accomplishment changes their view of themselves.

I remember a story about a Native American tribe that lived up on the rim of the Grand Canyon. I hope that I have gotten this story correctly. Young men who wanted to prove that they were ready to transition into manhood would climb down the side of the Grand Canyon and seek out a cave with salt deposits. They would fill a bag with salt and climb back up to the men waiting for them at the top. Those who survived the ordeal had demonstrated that they were capable of acting like a man.

There was a time when many families would send their young men off to enlist in the military, believing that the experience of being separated from their family and having to rely on themselves to make the grade would “make a man out of them.”

It seems that there are fewer and fewer ways these days that someone can prove to themselves their worth as a person. Something about facing the demon in the blackened cave that gives you an altered perception of yourself and the world around you.

College degrees aren’t always enough of an ordeal to change people.

I strongly believe in education; love of learning is one of my core values. I read the reports that half of the people who obtain college degrees never work in the field they majored in. I also know that many students drop out of college, often saddled with large amounts of student loan debt, without ever completing their education.

Certainly, having a college degree increases your potential lifetime earnings. Still, it’s not enough for most people to be able to say that having completed that degree, they feel satisfied with themselves. In fact, many of the clients I talked with feel cheated. They went to school and got that degree, believing it was the magical cure to them feeling accomplished, but that sought-after job never materialized, and the wages they earned were not enough to pay back the loan. Thinking that getting a particular degree is the magic key to happiness has proved to be an illusion.

Climbing that metaphorical mountain may be a disappointment.

Undergoing an ordeal may prove to yourself what you’re made of and are capable of, but be aware that no matter how successful you are at climbing that mountain, that does not create a permanent success. Life is filled with challenges. There will be more mountains to climb. The lessons you learned by undergoing an ordeal may be valuable, but there will be more lessons to learn. One of the keys here is to appreciate what you’ve been through and accomplished, but don’t think that what you learned about yourself will be the end of the story. While what you did matters to you but, to others, you’re only as important as your most recent success. There will always be more mountains to climb and more ordeals to endure.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Nice

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Nice
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Nice

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

― Albert Einstein

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

― L.M. Montgomery

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

― Mark Twain

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. I’ve also included some words related to strengths and values since the line between what we think and what we feel may vary from person to person. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings, strengths, and values.

Emotions and Feelings.                      Inspiration

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, Please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Are you satisfied with your life?

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Are you satisfied with your life?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

Are you satisfied with your life?

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

Among the people I talk with daily, an almost universal characteristic is that they are unhappy with their lives. I realize some of that may be skewed because I work as a counselor and mental health therapist. When I’m not doing those things, I also work with a very limited number of clients, trying to coach them on creating a plan for life and achieving the goals they would like to achieve.

But if you’re one of those many people who aren’t happy with the life you’re living, now might be a good time to look at where you’re at and figure out how you’ll get where you want to be. For most people, life is a road trip to unexpected places, relationships, and events. But it’s a lot easier to get to the destination you’re headed for if you have a roadmap. The map doesn’t have to control your journey, but it can sure keep you from making wrong turns.

Consider creating a personal mission statement.

Successful businesses and many successful people start by creating a mission statement for themselves. I like the book “Start with Why,” in which Simon Sinek details the differences between businesses that began with a mission and purpose, their own specific why, and those that started with the how.

The how would be, “We’ll get to be the biggest by selling things cheaper.” Most of the time, businesses that take that approach discover they have zero profit margins and eventually begin to lose money as their competitors lower their prices to meet the new company’s low prices.

Companies with a mission statement detailing their “Why” do much better. If your goal is to make a product that is so inexpensive that anyone with a low income could afford to buy it and that your product would meet one of their basic needs, you have a great chance of being successful. Companies who envision simplifying technology so that market segments who have never used their product can quickly master it likewise know their why, which takes them a long way.

A personal mission statement guides your life journey.

Having a mission statement for your life keeps you on track. Your mission statement identifies the direction you’re going and how you’ll know when you’ve arrived at your destination. One way to help distill your many thoughts into a personal mission statement is to begin by writing your own obituary. What would you like people to say about you when you are gone.

How do you create a personal mission statement?

In this blog post, I will give you a brief overview of what you should consider in writing a personal mission statement and the process you might go through. In future blog posts, I’ll try to elaborate on these ideas. This process can take more or less time, depending on your objectives. If your life’s going well now, but you’re not accomplishing your goals as rapidly as you would like, you probably need to put in some detailed planning time. If you’re in the middle of a crisis, you’ll take some shortcuts and then come back and fill in the details as your life stabilizes.

Creating a personal mission statement is not a short-term process, but it is something you can do in bits and pieces and something you should continue to add to as you live your life. The things that will inform your mission statement are who you are and who you want to be.

Who you are involves taking a personal inventory. What are your good points, and what are your weaknesses. Self-appraisal points you in the direction of self-improvement. Who you want to be involves getting clear on your goals for life. Let’s look at a series of steps you can take to develop self-knowledge, get clear on your long-term goals, translate those long-term goals into short-term goals, and then develop action steps to take you and these directions.

You need to write your mission plan down.

Many people sit and think about their problems and the goals they would like to accomplish. Those great plans roll around in their head, but they never become concrete and actionable. Writing them down makes those things you have been thinking about real. Almost every self-help book I’ve read, and believe me, I’ve read a great many, include exercises where you write down the answers to the questions you’re asking yourself.

It’s also more effective if you have someone in your support system that you can talk with about this journey. Sometimes, that can be a friend, and sometimes that will be a professional. Be careful that your support system is large enough so that you don’t have to go to one person for everything. Trying to wade through all your problems and all your ambitions can overwhelm any one person.

For long-term plans, it helps to have an accountability partner, someone you tell about your plans and whom you will have to report to on how you are doing. Without this accountability partner, abandoning plans in the early stages is easy. Here are the steps we will discuss in more detail in upcoming blog posts.

Start your planning by getting to know yourself.

Self-knowledge is the key to any self-improvement or change process. Think about what is important to you. Is it money? Are you looking for success? Or are relationships more important to you?

Do you have traumatic or painful experiences? Part of your mission in life may be to heal from those traumas and avoid passing them down to another generation.

Do you have particular beliefs and principles? Any plan for accomplishing things must be consistent with your religious and spiritual beliefs and your value system. Spend some time thinking about what your core priorities are.

Identify your Strengths and Passions.

I relied on the viacharacter.org character strengths assessment when writing my mission statement. It turned out that creating a life that was consistent with my top five core strengths was a lot more satisfying than trying to be someone I wasn’t. I described that process in more detail in an earlier blog post.

Pay special attention to the times when your actions take you into the Flow State. When doing something meaningful and enjoyable, you will tend to lose all sense of time. If you work at something you love doing, you can enjoy yourself for the rest of your life, and they will pay you to do it.

Think about your many and varied relationships.

In developing a life plan, you will need to balance what you want with maintaining relationships with others. Think about what you want in the way of a romantic relationship and how you want to relate to your children. Consider whether you want to be the kind of boss or coworker that others respect. The end of your life will get very lonely if you reach your goals by sacrificing your relationships with friends and family.

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

Want the latest blog posts as they are published? Subscribe to this blog.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

Nervous

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Nervous
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Nervous

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”

― Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

“Your worst enemy, he reflected, was your own nervous system. At any moment the tension inside you was liable to translate itself into some visible symptom.”

― George Orwell, 1984

“True, nervous, very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am, but why will say that I am mad?! The disease had sharpened my senses, not destroyed, not dulled them. Above all was the sense of hearing acute.”

― Edgar Allan Poe, The Tell-Tale Heart and Other Writings

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. I’ve also included some words related to strengths and values since the line between what we think and what we feel may vary from person to person. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings, strengths, and values.

Emotions and Feelings.                      Inspiration

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, Please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel

What are character strengths and virtues?

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What are character strengths and virtues?
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

By David Joel Miller, MS, Licensed Therapist & Counselor.

What are character strengths and virtues?

The idea of character strengths and values comes from Peterson and Seligman’s book Character Strengths and Virtues, where I was first introduced to the concept of universal strengths and values.

They studied a wide variety of cultures, current and ancient, and concluded that twenty-four fundamental character strengths or virtues are valued by almost all cultures. There is an online test that you can take that will give you your rankings. I think there are several versions of this test, but the free one I use is found at viacharacter.org  A similar test is available on the Gallup Strength Finders website.

My take on this is that you may be high in all the virtues or low in all, but the most significant thing to look at is your top character strengths. I would recommend looking at the top five. You might also want to look at the bottom five, which are sometimes called underdeveloped strengths.

Here is a condensed list of their character strengths and virtues list.

The descriptions below are my rough paraphrases of my understanding of these characteristics. I hope I’ve gotten them close to the original concepts of Peterson and Seligman. Each of these 24 virtues includes several related words or ideas. For example, creativity, the first one below, would also include originality, ingenuity, and similar characteristics.

Creativity.

This might be artistic, but it might also be new and novel ways to put things together and to do things.

Curiosity.

The curious person likes exploring and discovering, finds new topics and subjects fascinating, and likes having new experiences just for the sake of experiencing something for its own sake.

Judgment.

The strength of judgment involves looking at things from all sides, weighing the evidence, and not jumping to conclusions. It includes an openness to changing your mind when new information is found. People who use the strength think things through and examine them carefully.

Love of Learning.

This is related to curiosity but goes beyond simple curiosity. It includes learning more about various topics and bodies of knowledge and mastering new skills. Some people do this in schools, and some people simply study many subjects on their own. People who love to learn continue to explore new fields of knowledge just for the joy of learning.

Perspective.

This involves being able to look at situations and facts from all sides. Someone with perspective may be good at giving others advice. People with perspective can make sense of the world for themselves and others.

Perseverance.

The characteristic of sticking to it or continuing on a course even when the going gets hard and overcoming obstacles. People with perseverance enjoy finishing what they started.

Honesty.

People who are high in honesty value genuineness and act in sincere ways. You can count on what they say to conform to the facts. They don’t try to slant information to make themselves look better; they can take responsibility for what they say, do, and feel.

Zest.

The character strength of Zest has been connected to living a long happy life. People with a zest for living approach everything they do with excitement and energy. They are either all in or all out, but not halfhearted. People with Zest feel alive and ready to go. Him

Love.

Love is one of the more challenging emotions or values to pin down. I think a lot of people confuse love with several other emotions. If you look at an old dictionary, there will be a whole page of definitions for the word love. The way the character strengths and virtues test applies the virtue of love is someone who values being close and having good relationships with others. They seek out reciprocal relationships where they can both give and receive love. Someone high in the characteristic of love prefers being close to other people.

Kindness.

This value goes beyond simply doing nice things for the less fortunate. It includes both favors and good deeds, helping others and non-possessive taking care of them.

Social Intelligence.

The way character strengths and virtues define social intelligence seems to parallel the concept of emotional intelligence. It’s the ability to understand both the feelings and the motives of others. It’s knowing what to do and not do to fit in with groups in social situations. I think a lot of people who define themselves as introverts, in fact, have social anxiety and avoid others because they don’t know what to do to fit into social situations. Developing more Social Intelligence can help you overcome natural feelings of shyness.

Teamwork.

Some people are real team players, and others are individualists. I think back to high school when some guys from the basketball, baseball, and water polo teams. Other people preferred track, wrestling, and other individual sports. There are advantages to working well as a member of a team and being loyal to your group. There’s also a place for individuality.

Fairness.

Fairness involves giving everyone a fair chance. We all have our own concepts of what’s there and what’s just. People who practice fairness try not to let their feelings bias their decisions about everyone else.

Leadership.

Many companies put their management staff through leadership training classes. The skill of leadership is much more than simply being the boss and telling people what to do. Leadership skills are not limited to rewards and punishments. The leader should use techniques to encourage the group and get members to cooperate in accomplishing their shared goals and purposes.

Forgiveness.

People who are high in forgiveness can let wrongdoing go and give people a second chance.

Humility.

Characterized by letting your work and accomplishments speak for themselves. Not thinking you are special or better than others.

Prudence.

Prudent people are careful about their choices and tend to be risk-avoidant. The kind of people who like to think things over so they don’t do something they’ll regret later.

Self-Regulation.

Self-regulated people are highly disciplined. They can control themselves, both their actions and their emotions.

Appreciation Of Beauty.

People with this virtue quickly notice and appreciate something that’s well-made. They enjoy beauty and appreciate people who are skilled in many areas.

Gratitude.

Gratitude is a virtue that is highly connected to good mental health. It involves noticing and appreciating the good things when they happen. Cultivating a practice of gratitude can help reduce excessive negativity. This trait includes giving thanks for the good things that happened to them.

Hope.

People who are high in hope can see the possibilities for the future and are willing to work to reach them. Hope counterbalances negativity. Having hope allows you to do work now in the present, expecting that there will be rewards in the future.

Humor.

Humor is the virtue of playfulness. People who are high in humor can laugh and play. They can tease and accept teasing. People who are high in humor make you smile.

Spirituality.

Spirituality is sometimes connected with religion, but it can exist apart from a specific faith. Spirituality can lead to finding your meaning and purpose in life and your place in the universe.

What were my top character strengths?

I was frankly a little surprised when I first took this test, but after closer analysis, all of my top five made a great deal of sense. Here are my top five with some personal comments.

  1. Love of learning.

Hardly a shock since I have been going to school now for over seventy years, either taking classes or teaching them, and just this year, 2024, I have completed yet another online extension class.

  1. Creativity.

That need for creativity might explain why I have written several blogs, published seven books, been a photographer, and have a YouTube channel.

  1. Curiosity.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with my love of learning. It also goes well with my work life. In working with clients, I am incredibly curious about their lives and how they are coping.

  1. Humor.

Definitely nothing funny about that. I take my humor very seriously.

  1. Zest.

I enjoy my life, and I’m constantly seeking out new challenges.

How about you?

What things are important to you in setting goals and planning your life? What are your top character strengths and virtues, and how are you using them to create a fulfilling, positive, happy life?

Does David Joel Miller see clients for counseling and coaching?

Yes, I do. I can see private pay clients if they live in California, where I am licensed. If you’re interested in information about that, please email me or use the contact me form.

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

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For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For more about my books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, please check out https://counselorssoapbox.com

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Negative

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Negative

Sunday Inspiration.     Post by David Joel Miller.

“Learning to distance yourself from all the negativity is one of the greatest lessons to achieve inner peace.”

― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”

― Eckhart Tolle

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Wanted to share some inspirational quotes with you. Today seemed like a good time to do this. There are an estimated 100,000 words in the English language that are feelings related. Some emotions are pleasant, and some are unpleasant, but all feelings can provide useful information. I’ve also included some words related to strengths and values since the line between what we think and what we feel may vary from person to person. If any of these quotes strike a chord with you, please share them.

Look at these related posts for more on this topic and other feelings, strengths, and values.

Emotions and Feelings.                      Inspiration

Staying in touch with David Joel Miller.

For more information about my writing journey, my books, and other creative activities, please subscribe to my blog at davidjoelmillerwriter.com

Seven David Joel Miller Books are available on Amazon now! And more are on the way.

For these and my upcoming books, please visit my Amazon Author Page – David Joel Miller

For information about my work in mental health, substance abuse, and having a happy life, Please check out counselorssoapbox.com

For videos, see: Counselorssoapbox YouTube Video Channel